Hello readers! I want you all to know that I’m in my prime, baby! That’s right. I’m looking good, feeling good, I’m sharp as a tack, I have life by the reigns, and I’m full speed ahead. I wanna spend all of our time together talking about ME, and how great I am… and that’s the subject of today’s blog… narcissism! This is one of several topics in the realm of psychology that I want to cover over time.
Let’s begin here… what… is… up… with Boomers? I’m talking about Baby Boomers, folks born between 1946 and 1964. Have you noticed a large segment of this generation just won’t quit?
What do I mean by that? Well, according to current labor statistics, more than 30% of Baby Boomers in the US remained active in the labor force past the age of 65. Compare this to the two previous generations where less than 20% worked past retirement age. In 2018, the labor participation rate of women aged 65 to 72 was 25% and of men of the same age group was 35%.
Economists expected the United States to face a labor crunch in the 2010s as more and more Baby Boomers retired, but that didn’t happen. They create a significant labor surplus, making it even more difficult for people to find jobs. And, while working into these later years, their primary focus has been to transfer wealth from younger people to themselves. This is the first time in US history that a 30 year old is worse off economically than the previous generation was at the same age, and economists are all pointing to the fact Boomers in politics, in board rooms, in executive leadership are robbing the younger generations of the opportunity to achieve the same levels of economic success as they enjoyed. It’s like climbing up a ladder and throwing it down to the ground so no one else can climb.
Beyond that, have you noticed that, part of the reason Boomers stick around in the workforce beyond retirement age is a lack of trust in Gen X-ers like me, as well as Millennials and Gen Z-ers, all three of which are now in the workforce. Boomers feel like they know better… like we’re all incompetent, and the workforce can’t possibly function without them. It’s all about maintaining power, control, and grasping at threads of relevance… at the expense of their children, grandchildren, and future generations. It’s what I like to call generational narcissism.
This is all coming to mind primarily because of our presidential race and the news surrounding it, but I believe all this talk about age and cognitive decline is just a microcosm of a larger issue in our society.
Now, before I move on to the next step and get people upset about my insensitivity, I have to say something. I’m going to talk about both of our presidential candidates very briefly before moving on to a larger topic about narcissism as a personality characteristic. In preparing for this post, I developed my talking points several weeks ago, and I happen to be posting this entry on Monday July 15th, just 2 days after the horrific events that unfolded in Western Pennsylvania. I realize the timing of what I’m about to say isn’t great, but I also don’t want to discard all my notes and research. I don’t mean to insult anyone. I’m just pointing out some objective statistics.
With that being said, let’s talk about our Presidential candidates for a second, and I’m using them as stick figures for this issue of generational narcissism mostly because they’re both well known throughout the world. Here are some stats about our current candidates.
Donald Trump is a baby boomer. Born in 1946 at the very dawn of the Baby Boomer generation, he’s 78 years old. According to actuarial tables provided by the Social Security Administration, he has a 27% chance of dying during the next 4 years. 27%.
Joe Biden is not a Baby Boomer. He’s part of the previous generation, called the Silent Generation, which is composed of people born between 1928 and 1945. He was born just 4 years before Trump, in 1942, at the very end of this Silent Generation timeframe. Biden is 81 years old and has a 36% chance of dying during the next 4 years. 36%.
So, if you take the average and just say, “whoever takes office has a 30% of dying during their term… and I’m talking about natural causes here,” the outlook isn’t good. Now, you could argue, “Well, they have a 70% chance of living.” Really… Is that the bar we set? I don’t know about you, but if someone told me I had a 30% chance of dying in the next 4 years, I definitely wouldn’t spend those years working. Shiiiit. I would be L-I-V-I-N!
God, I feel a little icky… and I’m sorry I had to talk about dying after what just happened, but that’s not really the point. The point is that a shockingly high number of people in that age group, Presidential candidates included, continue to work well past normal retirement age because they seem to have this need to maintain power, control, and influence during their sunset years when they could be enjoying retirement and all that comes with it.
Since it’s been in the news, let’s briefly touch on the topic of mental capacity… According to a 2020 study published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, humans tend to reach their peak mental abilities around age 35 and then begin to decline after age 45. However, different mental abilities peak at different ages. For example:
- Short-term memory: Peaks early in adulthood and begins to decline around age 35
- Emotional understanding: Peaks in middle to later adulthood, in the 40s and 50s
- Vocabulary: Continues to increase into the 60s and peaks in the late 60s
- Basic subtraction and division: Peaks around age 50
Remember, these are peaks, which means these functions begin to decline after the peak. Now, there’s no real consensus in the literature regarding when cognitive decline begins, and there are significant differences between individuals and a plethora of other variables to consider.
But, you know what peaks in your late 70’s and early 80’s? Your probability of death. It just does. Call me agist if you want, but I totally agree with Scott Galloway who always says, “You know what else is agist? Biology.”
There’s something about this generation, though. They seem to have no desire to cement their legacy in their 50’s and early 60’s and then retire to enjoy a peaceful life surrounded by family and friends, and devoting their time to rewarding activities like travel, woodworking, knitting, pickleball, or standing on the corner in 95-degree weather – like this septuagenarian I saw the other day – with a giant sign that read, “Pope Francis is the antichrist. The Catholic Church is Babylon, mother of Harlots and abomination of the earth. Revelations 17:5… let’s talk about it”… I thought to myself, there’s a guy who’s doing what he loves in retirement. Preaching the good word.
But there’s a significant subset of Boomers who seem to want to work until they die… The White House, Congress, Supreme Court, board rooms, they’re full of them… Refusing to step away from the spotlight in some obvious, desperate attempt to stay relevant at the expense of younger generations, and at the expense of their own reputation and legacy. Sadly, they seem unable to recognize the loss of their own relevance… pressing on as if they have the same skills and reputation as they did 20 years ago. I’m not just talking about presidential candidates. Think about it. I’m sure you know someone in this age group who just won’t quit. Everyone around them will be thinking it, maybe even saying it… time to hang it up, dude, we got this… but they just can’t walk away from having control. The narcissism is so prevalent in this generation, it’s shocking.
And, that’s what I want to talk about today. Narcissism. It’s an interesting topic, a term that gets thrown around often, maybe too often… it’s something that’s not fully understood, and in some circumstance, arguably the most dangerous personality type you can encounter in life.
So, what exactly is narcissism? Well, the word is derived from an ancient Roman story, told by Ovid, about a man named Narcissus and a mountain nymph named Echo. So, Echo is this beautiful woman who pissed off the goddess Juno, and she gets cursed with the inability to initiate a spoken sentence on her own. Instead, she’s only able to finish a sentence started by someone else, or repeat the last words she heard. That’s where we get the term echo. So, Echo is hanging out in the mountains, like mountain nymphs do, and she spots a handsome man named Narcissus who was out hunting with his friends. Echo immediately falls in love with him. She becomes infatuated and follows him around.
During the hunt, Narcissus gets separated from his buddies and calls out, “Is anyone there,” and he hears the nymph repeat his words, “Is anyone there?” Narcissus answers the voice. “Come here,” he says, only to hear the same. “Come here.” When Narcissus sees that nobody comes, he concludes that the owner of the voice must be running away from him. So, he calls out again, “This way, we must come together.”
Echo thought this was a reciprocation of her love, so she runs to Narcissus ready to throw her arms around her beloved. But, Narcissus was appalled by this action. He shunns her and yells, “Hands off! May I die before you enjoy my body.” And, of course, all Echo could whisper in reply was, “enjoy my body.” She felt scorned, humiliated, and shamed… so she ran away.
Now, Echo’s fellow nymphs saw this and prayed to the gods to punish Narcissus with a love that was equally not reciprocated. So, the gods caused Narcissist to fall in love with his own reflection. One day, he looked at his reflection in a pool of water, and he became mesmerized, unable to take his eyes away from the beautiful person he didn’t even recognize as himself. Ultimately, as a result of his own love and admiration for himself, unable to look away from his own image even to eat or drink, he wasted away and died.
So, this is obviously a cautionary tale for both echoists and narcissists, not to become obsessed with themselves or others.
Anyway, back to the question of, what exactly is narcissism? At the most basic level, narcissism is selfishness, self-admiration… a need for admiration from others, a sense of entitlement, and low empathy… all of which is rooted in a deep seated, often unconscious, feeling of shame and insecurity.
Beyond that, you can think about it two ways. First, there’s narcissism as a personality style… just like agreeableness and introversion are personality styles. And, as with all personality styles, there’s a spectrum. In the middle of this particular spectrum, which I like to call the Goldilocks place, you have a healthy level of self-esteem, empathy for others, and humility. Someone who falls at this middle point of the spectrum may be called an empath, who genuinely feel others’ emotions and connects with them in meaningful ways. On the extreme opposite end, you have the echoist, someone who has a fear-driven tendency to prioritize others’ needs over their own. So, they tend to suppress their own desires, echoing others’ desires instead. That’s why I told the story of Narcissus and Echo the mountain nymph. You see what I did there…??
Anyway, on the absolute extreme other end of the spectrum from Echoism is a clinical diagnosis called Narcissistic Personality Disorder which has an ICD-10 code and is formally defined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders of the American Psychiatric Association.
So, to reiterate, you have narcissism as a personality style, which can be mild, medium or excessive, and then you have an extreme form of narcissism that is a clinical diagnosis.
According to the DSM-5, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is defined as a pervasive pattern of nine criteria, five of which must be present for a diagnosis. So, clinical features include at least 5 of the following:
- Having a grandiose sense of self-importance, such as exaggerating achievements and talents, expecting to be recognized as superior
- Preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, beauty, and/or idealization
- Belief in being “special” and that they can only be understood by or associated with other high-status people (or institutions)
- Demanding excessive admiration
- Sense of entitlement
- Exploitation behaviors
- Lack of empathy
- Envy towards others or belief that others are envious of them
- Arrogant, haughty behaviors and attitudes
Individuals with NPD may not recognize their illness as it is generally egosyntonic, meaning that the behavior is in harmony with the individual’s needs and goals. So, they typically don’t end up in therapy unless they’re forced to, and, once diagnosed, they’re likely to discontinue because the very diagnosis is contrary to their own self-importance, entitlement, need for admiration, and self-idealization.
But, as I said earlier, I’m not a licensed clinical psychologist, so I’m not going to talk about NPD. Instead, I’m going to talk about the narcissistic personality style and the narcissists among us. These are people who are narcissistic… on that end of the spectrum, but maybe not on the absolute extreme end. They definitely have a maladaptive personality style. They’re often self-absorbed, vain, and outwardly expressive about their self-importance. They’re awful to be around… Either because their incessant hubris is annoying as shit, or because they seem to do everything in their power to marginalize you, damage your reputation, or even destroy your career… and they seem to have no clue because no one in their right mind would dare challenge them. That’s who I’m talking about today. They’re easily diagnosed as assholes – because there’s no ICD-10 code for being an asshole – so you don’t need a license to recognize an asshole. But, none of us are licensed psychologists, and we’re not in a position to diagnose these people with NPD… But, we damn sure know these people, these narcissists among us, are the goddamn worst and, diagnosis or not, there’s definitely something seriously wrong with them.
OK… So, generally speaking, there are 3 major types or categories of narcissism, but some have argued there are more, and they’re not mutually exclusive. So, someone can demonstrate multiple attributes across categories. Even if there are 6 or more different categories, I’m going to talk about 3 today.
The first type is called grandiose narcissism. These are people who brag and bluster constantly because, deep down inside – unconsciously even – they’re insecure. These folks tend to be flashy with expensive cars, clothes, and homes, they’re boastful (frequently bragging about their accomplishments, whether true or not), they’re inauthentic with compliments, quick to anger when contradicted or disagreed with, they expect special treatment or consideration, and they tend to cling to their views or opinions, even when there is plenty of evidence against them. They never shut up about how great they are, except when it comes to smearing other people, particularly behind their back. If you know one, they probably say negative things about people you both know all the time. They do what I like to call “creating reputational distance” – They try to make themselves look better by smearing other people, by making everyone else look worse.
The second type is called covert narcissism, also known as vulnerable narcissism. This is a more introverted form. These people may experience similar insecurities as grandiose narcissists, but they internalize their self-importance and may have a strong need for attention. They may also have a public image that differs from their private behavior. These folks are hypersensitive to criticism or rejection, they become emotionally distant when there’s risk of their flaws being exposed, they have difficulty building and maintaining meaningful relationships at work, and they’re sooooo passive-aggressive – even being extremely strategic, such as launching smear campaigns against you well in advance to lay a foundation for a defense or attack down the line.
Finally, there’s the malignant narcissist. These are people who have no problem destroying your life by lying and spreading false information… they also create that reputational distance. But, they tend to use, abuse and discard people. They’re obsessed with power and control, everything is personal to them, they hold grudges and take revenge, nothing is ever their fault (so you won’t hear them apologize unless it suits their needs), they can be strategic and ruthless in pursuit of what they want, they have enemies (and may not even know they have enemies because people will pretend to be their friend out of fear or pity, or a “keep your enemies closer” mentality), and they mask their insecurities and low self-esteem well, often behind a façade of arrogance or grandiosity. Malignant narcissists display paranoid traits, meaning they lead with emotion, make wild assumptions, think people are acting to harm them, they hold grudges, and they can be aggressive emotionally and/or verbally. Other characteristics may include low empathy, a need for power, and a sense of importance (grandiosity) that just jumps out in conversation as they repeatedly redirect back to themselves, tell stories about their past accomplishments, and position themselves as the most important, knowledgeable, and/or relevant person in the room. When challenged or belittled, they can go into a fit of rage, and in extreme circumstances may go so far as to physically harm or violate the rights of others, which is often referred to as “antisocial features.”
Just remember, someone doesn’t need to show all the traits in a category. For example, not all grandiose narcissists have fancy cars, and not all malignant narcissists resort to physical violence. That’s quite rare. So, these characteristics are not mutually exclusive, and someone can show traits or characteristics across categories.
Narcissists tend to come off as terribly immature from an emotional perspective, and they are emotionally immature. They have little ability to control their emotions, will flip emotions on a dime, and will pout like a child. They tend to retaliate, manipulate, inflict harm in various ways, particularly emotional or psychological harm, and are often totally blind to their actions or their repercussions. They may lack memory of doing it, not understand their impact, or be indifferent to the damage they cause. Often times their words or actions come off as intentional gaslighting. You cannot meaningfully communicate or negotiate with a narcissist like you would a rational adult because their emotional immaturity makes them irrational and, in some ways, unpredictable.
Narcissists are definitely afraid of powerful or influential people, so they’ll talk shit about them and do things to marginalize their power and influence. They don’t like other people having the spotlight, and they have a fear of being abandoned or exposed as a fraud. They act on this fear by attacking, smearing, undermining. They also prey upon people without power, people with leaky boundaries, and those who don’t stand up for themselves. But, narcissists will try to destroy people of power and influence to undermine their credibility and make themselves look better, or position themselves as the “go-to” resource.
Now, I mentioned before that narcissists tend to lack empathy. But, they’re really good at what’s called performative empathy. So, they’ll go out of their way to do things that seem really nice, but it only serves to put on a show for an audience. They’ll give gifts, attend to someone who is dying, offer to assist with something, but they only do it to get attention, brand themselves as a good person, and/or to make themselves look good (and/or make others look bad). It gets them the validation and admiration they need.
Also, they may say, “Oh, Wow! It’s terrible to hear that person’s sick. That’s so sad. It must be so difficult.” They may even start a fund for the sick person. But, dive a little deeper and try to talk to the narcissist about how sad you are about their illness, how much it’s affecting you, and they’ll tune out immediately. It’s more emotional need than they can handle. And, assuming they started that fund to help the sick person, they’ll use that to brag about the fact they started the fund, and they’ll hold it over everyone else’s head at some point, even the sick person. They may say, “You’re asking for a raise? What do you mean you’re a hard worker and you’ve never received a raise? You think I don’t support you? Remember when I started that fund for you back in 2015 when you were sick? I’m the most supportive person in the world. I always go out of my way for other people. I started a fund just for you. I’ve never done that for anyone else. And now you want a raise.”
One thing narcissists love is hierarchies. They love systems like patriarchy, authoritarianism, dictatorships – you know, autocracies – and that includes hierarchical corporate structures. In these systems, one person gets the final say, not because they’re a good person, but just because, and that person is usually the narcissist. Now, the narcissist in chief may say things like, “I want you to own this project, take it and run with it.” But, make any moves without their permission, gain any knowledge you don’t immediately share, and they lose their shit. The need to maintain power, control, and influence is pathological.
Working with a narcissist can be extremely difficult, and even damaging. They can be like a Jekyll and Hyde type person. On the other hand, when they feel safe, it might be one of the most engaging, exhilarating, charismatic, charming experiences you’ve ever had. You may feel like they’ve hung the moon and stars only for you, because when a narcissist needs something from you, you’re their central focus, and they’ll go out of their way to make you feel amazing… to get what they want from you. On the other hand, in times when the narcissist feels unsafe, challenged, or bored, they can be very disagreeable, antagonistic, childish, mercilessly attacking people… they’ll undermine, marginalize, pout, cry, pound on the desk, rage, anything to attract attention, look good, or simply get their way. And, for the recipient of these attacks, they may spend all their time trying to get back to that “hung the moon and stars” kind of moment. It’s an emotional push-pull that can be extremely damaging. And, when the narcissist (particularly in a position of power)… when they can’t exercise any control over you, if they can’t successfully marginalize you, knock you down… if they no longer have any use for you, then they’re done with you, and that’s it. You’re out.
So, what causes all of this? Well, at the very core of narcissism is a deep insecurity, which is super interesting because these people actually believe they’re own hype. They create this grandiosity and destroy people around them ultimately to create almost a suit of armor around that unprocessed insecurity. The narcissistic person is always fighting a battle against shame. And the shame is at an unconscious level, combined with fear that people are gonna see they ain’t all that. So, if anything even pokes them, if you cut them off in conversation, belittle them, make a joke at their expense, anything even remotely like that, they lash out to maintain dominance. Ultimately, what motivates the narcissistic person is power, dominance, and control… because all those things keep them safe. If they’re in control, if they’re the boss, if they have all the money, then they feel okay. All the power, whatever the fame, whatever it looks like, then they’re okay. That’s narcissism in a nutshell, and it’s all rooted in a deep, unconscious feeling of insecurity and shame.
So, how do you work with a narcissist, or interact with them if they’re a family member. Well, the first thing to remember is you’re not going to change them. It’s even questionable if intensive, long-term therapy can move the needle. The second thing to remember, and this is super important, never ever call out a narcissist, never tell a narcissist they’re a narcissist. Third, never insult them, push back against them, challenge them, or try to negotiate with them. It’s a losing battle that will only provoke them to go to any extent to destroy your reputation, credibility, even your employment and/or career.
If you have a boss as a narcissist, I say create as much distance as possible, even if that means leaving the position or the company if you can. Seriously, get as far away from that person if you can. If you can’t, your other alternative is to essentially take advantage of their weakness, manipulate them, and win their favor by feeding their ego constantly, or being the proverbial “yes man.” Either way, that can be exhausting, and not everyone has the energy to play the game, or assume a passive, deferential role and constantly kiss ass. I know I’m not. Also, what if you do adopt the “yes man” mentality and say “yes” to things that go against your core values, or put your reputation at risk? You have to be very strategic in making these decisions.
What about when the narcissist is a family member or friend? Well, imagine you call your mom who you know to be a narcissist, and the first thing she says is, “I haven’t heard from you in a long time. The last thing you want to say is, “Well, the phone works both ways.” That’s a challenge, an insult that will set them off. Instead, you should say something like, “No, you haven’t,” and move on to a different topic, but leave it at that. What you’ve done is essentially taken away the volley. As a famous psychologist once said, “They’re trying to play tennis, and you need to play solitaire.”
The bottom line is this: regardless of how you know the person, whether it’s a workmate, family member, etc., you don’t want to shun them, challenge them, provoke them, or feed their need for causing chaos. It will just make things worse. Keep it high level, keep it friendly, and keep your distance to the extent you can. If you find yourself in need of doing any of these things, shunning, challenging, etc., because you’re defending what’s really important to you, even if done for good reasons and in a kind way, just be ready for the blowback. But, it’s good to assess your needs first and have a solid understanding of what your defending or supporting and why because a narcissist’s actions will often leave you feeling a tremendous sense of guilt, like you did something wrong. And the reason is because the narcissist will train you over time to believe that not doing something that that person wants is wrong. That’s why you feel guilty.
And this is a big thing because your interactions with a narcissist will leave you wondering what you did wrong. They’ll leave you with a sense of guilt. It’s a byproduct of the power they exert and the emotional roller coaster they try to keep you on. Remember, this: Don’t feel guilt. You didn’t do anything wrong.
Now, you may think these approaches lack empathy and compassion for someone who is afflicted with a deep rooted, unconscious sense of shame and insecurity. I don’t necessarily agree. Having empathy and compassion doesn’t mean you hang around and be someone’s emotional punching bag. Having empathy and compassion means that you can gracefully step away. And even if they’re raging at you, you don’t need to get in the mud with them because you at least recognize that they’re experiencing pain and lashing out, but you don’t have to stick around and take it on the chin over and over. Doing so makes you their prisoner.
So, let me bring this back full circle. This is a podcast episode about narcissism, what narcissism is, what it looks like, and a little about how to deal with it, which can be extraordinarily difficult or impossible for some. The main thing is to recognize the signs, try to create distance, protect yourself, your loved ones, and your mental health, and don’t blame yourself for any chaos they cause in your life.
I said earlier that a segment of the Boomer generation and their unwillingness to retire and hand over the reigns to the next generation is a sign of what I call generational narcissism. I picked on a few politicians as examples, stick figures, but this trend is observed in all branches of our government, on both sides of the aisle, in board rooms, c-suites, and all other positions of power. These people don’t need to work to pay the bills. They work to maintain power, control, influence… even while losing their pep, even when surrounded by highly competent people who can easily run the show, even at the expense of the company or government they run, even at the expense of a well-deserved retirement filled with everything from travel, to knitting, to woodwork, to pickleball and more… they just can’t fathom the world functioning without them, and that’s who I’m talking about. The narcissists among us…